Spotlight Saturday: First Mate Dogban

Ahoy thar, me mateys, and welcome ye to the first ever Spotlight Saturday, in which yar faithful host talks with one a’ the jollier crew, sich as will be seen when Jollier Roger reaches comes to a Kindle store near ye!

Today, as we gave are aft-davy to, we sit down with the shock and stocky bearded Norwegian first mate hisself, Dogban!

*Ye hear a wave a’ hands – some a’ which be hook-ed – clappin’ as the stout old seadog takes his seat*

Host: Welcome aboard, Dogban!

Dogban: Glad to be wiff ya!

*More applause*

Host: So now, Dogban, answer me truthfully; how comes ye to havin’ a name sich as Dogban? Surely it taint what yer mother named ye?

Dogban: That’s a good question. And if ya find the answer, I’d be glad to hear it! But I got no idea how that got to bein’ my name. I figure it means dog’s would ban me from joinin’ there club, is they had one, on account of my beard being so much more impressive than their fur. But who knows, maybe the cap’n picked it out.

Host: Speakin’ a’ the Jollier Roger, how be Captain James Roberts these days?

Dogban: Well we don’t know as a general fact. He spends a lots of time locked away in his great cabin, lookin’ over maps and such.

Host: Does the captain’s absence leave ye pressured to oversee the crew?

Dogban: Of course not! It lets me slack off with the rest a’ them for a change!

*The audience bursts out in laughter, even as a flashin’ sign tells ’em to*

Dogban be one a' the main characters in the upcomin' pirate novel, Jollier Roger!

Dogban be one a’ the main characters in the upcomin’ pirate novel, Jollier Roger!

Host: What would ye say is the most tryin’ task aboard the ship?

Dogban: Let’s see here… The Bottle is a strange ship, let me tell ya. Just abouts when ya think ya have her fig’red out, that’s when she turns the tables on ya.

Host: Turns the tables?

Dogban: Aye! She ain’t very clever, so one touch wave is all it takes to turn the tables over. That’s why mostly we eat with our afts to the planks and out plates gripped firmly in hand.

Host: I see! And bein’ a bit short as ye are, does that avail ye some sort o’ advantage?

*More applause ensues*

Dogban: To be honest, it makes hiding a lot easier. Don’t tell the cap’n, but when it comes right down to it, there’s almost no place I can’t vanish into!

Host: So thar ain’t!

*The audience erupts in laughter*

Host: I didn’t tell ye swabs to laugh! Shut yer mouths and let me think a’ the next question. Ah! One more and we’ll shove ya off from whence ye came. I hear tell that yer good for a song after a little rum. Be this so?

Dogban: ‘Course it be! I’ve been singin’ since before ya were born. Heck, I’ve been singin’ since before I was born! Come to think a’ it, that might be why my mother was so happy the day I were born…

Host: Oh dear.

Dogban: Anyhow, want to hear a song?

Host: Nay, I’m afraid we be all out a’ time for the day. Thank ye for joinin’ us for this Spotlight Saturday, and thanks to all a’ ye lubbers and seafaring marauders out there for a-tunin’ in! Until next time… stay cutlass-y!

*The audience be silent, awkwardly so*

Host: Bah, ye don’t know a joke when ye hear one.

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