Well! Welcome again to the lot a’ ye; Spotlight Saturday be the name o’ the game, where I interview some a’ the important (and strange) characters from the upcoming pirate humor/adventure novel, Jollier Roger!
… Which is set to be released MARCH 14th! So actually, this here be the final pre-release interview, as the next one will take place one day after the big event. Next week, we’ll be sittin’ down with Jollier Roger himself to talk about the book, but for now, please welcome the three lowliest skeletons to ever sail the seven seas; Kirk, Dirk, and Jerk!
*The audience cheers, then slows as the three identical skeletons appear*
Sharp-voiced Gibbeter: Lookie there, boys! It be a bunch of peoples who cant stop slappin’ there hands together!
Thick-voiced Gibbeter: What ya reckon that’s alls about?
Nondescript Gibbeter: Hmm. Ah! There must be flies buzzing around them!
Sharp-voiced Gibbeter: That’s it, all right! And they’re tryin’ to scare ’em away!
Host: Ahoy, over here if ye please… Have a seat. Now, I’ve been warn- er, told that when it comes to you Gibbeters… it’s hard to have a, well, coherent conversation. Be that true?
Sharp-voiced Gibbeter: … What’s he mean, boys?
Thick-voiced Gibbeter: Uh may be wrong, but Uh think he’s sayin’ he’s shy.
Nondescript Gibbeter: Oh, that makes perfect sense!
Host: Aye, I’ll just take that as an ‘aye’. So, we’ll try and keep the questions simple. Here be the first I’ve for ye; what in blazes is a Gibbeter?
Thick-voiced Gibbeter: Well, Cap’n James says a Gibbeter is the most lowly, pathetic, clumsy, and annoying creature that ever did see the light a’ day. Whatever that means.
Sharp-voiced Gibbeter: We mostly figure that means he likes us, ’cause we ain’t no Gibbeters! We like Captain James, too!
Host: … Ye ain’t Gibbeters…?
Sharp-voiced Gibbeter: No, sir! Never even met a Gibbet before. Must be nasty folks if so many poor blighters gets eaten by ’em.
Host: I… see. All right, I take that as progress. Next question for ye; how is it that ye’re called Kirk, Dirk, and Jerk, but nobody can ever tell ye apart?
Nondescript Gibbeter: Never really stopped to think of it that way.
Thick-voiced Gibbeter: Blow me down! This bloke’s got muh head spinnin’, he does.
Sharp-voiced Gibbeter: Oy, oy! You should join Captain James’ crew!
Host: … I already run all the events in his Cove.
Thick-voiced Gibbeter: Well thar ya go! Stop runnin’ and realize yar true callin’.
Host: A wonderful idea… Next question; Do ye know each other’s names?
Sharp-voiced Gibbeter: Oy, that be simple! I’m Jerk.
Thick-voiced Gibbeter: No ya aren’t, Dirk is.
Nondescript Gibbeter: No, Kirk is.
Sharp-voiced Gibbeter: Oh, aye! But then what be Jerk’s name?
Nondescript Gibbeter: Kirk?
Thick-voiced Gibbeter: No, that one were Dirk, it were.
Sharp-voiced Gibbeter: Dirk?
Nondescript Gibbeter: No, Kirk.
Sharp-voiced Gibbeter: Oh, oy, oy! Now I gets it. And then you be Jerk!
Thick-voiced Gibbeter: Me?
Sharp-voiced Gibbeter: No, Dirk. Wait-
Host: Well ye made that simpler than it had to be… I got some more questions here, and they be about the crew. Sharp-voiced Gibbeter; how do ye feel about Tenika?
Sharp-voiced Gibbeter: Oy, Tenika be a great mate to have around; always makes you feel useful, like when she uses your arm for a backscratcher. Oh! Or how she uses your skull to scoop pipin’ hot stew!
Host: I see… And Thick-voiced Gibbeter; how is life with Goliath?
Thick-voiced Gibbeter: He be the quartermaster, and mighty big at that, so mostly we tries not to upset him or un-upset him.
Thick-voiced Gibbeter: Aye, aye; when pirates make him angry, he likes to take out his frustration by smackin’ people with whatever he can grab. That’s usually us.
Host: Eh… And finally, Nondescript Gibbeter; how’s ship’s cooper, Whiskers?
Nondescript: Well he only speaks French, so we have no clue what he’s saying half the time. Funny though… When we accidentally shut his moustache in the lid of a barrel, he sure used a lot of familiar words all of a sudden.
Host: I see! And now, we’ve got a couple of fan questions for you three. Here’s the first; bein’ that ye’re always on board and rarely of use, what do ye do to pass the time?
Thick-voiced Gibbeter: Well, passin’ the time is pretty simple; we mostly just make up all sorts a’ games.
Sharp-voiced Gibbeter: Oy! Like rollin’ cubes with little numbers on ’em!
Nondescript Gibbeter: It’s a whole heap of fun! We see who can roll them the farthest!
Host: … Uh huh. And here’s our last question; it be clear as the nose on me face that ye three have neither noses nor eyes. How do ye see and smell?
*the three whisper in silent council, then turn back to Hosty*
Sharp-voiced Gibbeter: What be a nose?
Nondescript Gibbeter: Or eyes…?
Thick-voiced Gibbeter: Uh think that be a trick question. I’ve half a mind to ask how ya see with them round things in yar skull.
Host: … Those would be me eyes…
Sharp-voiced Gibbeter: So that’s what they be! Hear that, boys? Them round things has a name!
Thick-voiced Gibbeter: Well blow muh down…!
Nondescript: Still don’t explain how folks see past ’em.
Host: Aye… Well that’s about the end a’ this interview and what little sanity I’ve left. Thank ye for joinin’ us, and we’ll see ye again next week as we sit down with Captain James Roberts hisself!
Sharp-voiced Gibbeter: We like Captain James.
Host: Ye said that a’ready!!! Anyhow, until next time; staaay JOLLIERanddon’tyedaresayitwithme………!