After a long absence due mostly in part to a cloudy drunken stupor, Grandmum has returned, me hearties, and she’s here to give ye the honest truth about yer weekend, ‘fore it even happens! Talk about forewarned, forearmed! Hit it, Grandmum!
“Whatever you say… Well, people behind the screen (and especially you, handsome, right there~!), today Grandmum must warn you about nickels. Why, not only are they not worth the silver they be printed on, but just the other day when I were taking a ride in one of them yellow taxi cars, sortin’ me booty of ‘nickels’, we comes to a halt and the driver demands I give him me loot. I said ‘never!’, he said ‘you owe me!’, and then the fists flew. It was horrid, violent, and messy, but that’ll teach him to try and rob Grandmum ever again.
But me point is, beware the nickels this weekend! They’re bad luck-! If you touch one, blink your eyes three times, quick-like, or else you’ll get an itch what’s hard to scratch. On another note, beware your flapping jaws! This weekend is ripe for secrets to fly loose… Oh, and yes, Grandmum can see into your mind. You don’t want THAT secret getting out.
As for some good luck, well, you’ll find yourself wanting something very badly, and then by some rare happenstance it will actually be available. This could be a soda, the bathroom, the love of your life (and if you’re Spanish and handsome, look no further!), or it could be something so small you ingrates don’t even notice it.
Finally, the weather; it’s either going to be very hot or very cold. Possibly, it may be somewhere in between. This has been Grandmum’s weekend fortune. Now, pay up! … What. I get paid in… nickels?! No-arrrhhh!”