Dogban on Pirate #Torture

“Some people ask me, they says, ‘Dogban… You’re the first mate aboard The Bottle. You sail wiff Cap’n Roberts alls the time. Does he torture folks?’ And the answer I always gives ’em is ‘Aye, aye!’ Though, the cap’n never did things the usual way. He believes torture should be instructive. So, if he catches ya drinkin’, he makes ya drink ’til ya give back more than ya took. He doesn’t like plank walking, though he does sometimes dip offenders in oil. Cold oil. And then there’s squid-slapping, bilge-mopping, and Tenika, she’s the best stinkin’ torture tool he’s got! Get it-?”

– First Mate Dogban


How Jollier Roger Begins

Ahoy, maties! Being that ye’re here on Jollier Roger Cove, and ye always visit us at the Jollier Roger Facebook page, we fig’re some o’ ye might be wondering how Jollier Roger starts. We mean REALLY starts; the first words, even! Well, here they are.

Atlantic Ocean, 1724…

A small boat, just a dinghy and little more, having only one man aboard and dressed richly so that none could deny he was a captain. The thunder of the cloudy gray sky made the fish jump for fright, and the lightning was enough to scare a spirit.

But wasn’t that just why he’d come? Was he any man to fear his death, having lived a life longer and more fulfilling than ever he may have? Having waved his fist with a triumphant laugh, when all other men thought him dead?

The storm, the terror, the myth of the Atlantic Tristorm… Now wasn’t that exactly for what he’d come?

With the lightning came his low voice in a familiar song. “Of all the world’s colors I take me the blue. Yo, ho… yo, ho… yo, ho. Be free as the waves, that is what I do. Yo, ho… yo, ho… yo, ho. Steal from the crowns, no, I don’t fear no crew. Yo, ho… yo, ho… yo, ho. Give me the liars, for I can’t trust the true. Yo ho, yo ho, yo ho!”

As his oars dipped into the choppy waters, the spray of the waves filling the air so that a heavy haze clung to that place, he knew he was near. No man could have denied it, even before the lightning struck the sea before him. The green blast was like the shine of an emerald, coursing through the waters all around him.

Then a voice, “Avast, man of the sea.” He didn’t look away. He sat up all the taller with his hat tipped proudly, bold as the echoing voice went on. “Who do you claim to be, and what do you desire?”

A grin crossed his face, “… Captain Roberts, that is my name, and that you shall call me. As for what I’m wanting…”

Coast of Port Royal, 1762…

“The light filled him and all he had on him. From his ship to his brass buttons he was enchanted, but what became of him none can say. That’s the legend of Captain Roberts, the Atlantic Tristorm, and the Magic Treasures.”

The great vessel of three masts dipped then rose up, the boom of the waves echoing across the deck. All hands were busy on the main deck, besides the man listening to the story. He was about fifty years old, with a great brown beard down to his chest and a dull eye. “That really how it goes, cap’n?” he asked with his thick Norwegian accent.

The storyteller looked out to the bright blue sea, letting the spray soak his young face and long raven’s hair. He was a dark man of twenty so he seemed, his eyes alight with quiet excitement and adventure. He was dressed like a sailor, not so much a pirate; open black shirt, tight black trousers, and thin boots almost to his knees. “Are you questioning me story? It is! … Maybe.”

Spotlight Saturday: First Mate Dogban

Ahoy thar, me mateys, and welcome ye to the first ever Spotlight Saturday, in which yar faithful host talks with one a’ the jollier crew, sich as will be seen when Jollier Roger reaches comes to a Kindle store near ye!

Today, as we gave are aft-davy to, we sit down with the shock and stocky bearded Norwegian first mate hisself, Dogban!

*Ye hear a wave a’ hands – some a’ which be hook-ed – clappin’ as the stout old seadog takes his seat*

Host: Welcome aboard, Dogban!

Dogban: Glad to be wiff ya!

*More applause*

Host: So now, Dogban, answer me truthfully; how comes ye to havin’ a name sich as Dogban? Surely it taint what yer mother named ye?

Dogban: That’s a good question. And if ya find the answer, I’d be glad to hear it! But I got no idea how that got to bein’ my name. I figure it means dog’s would ban me from joinin’ there club, is they had one, on account of my beard being so much more impressive than their fur. But who knows, maybe the cap’n picked it out.

Host: Speakin’ a’ the Jollier Roger, how be Captain James Roberts these days?

Dogban: Well we don’t know as a general fact. He spends a lots of time locked away in his great cabin, lookin’ over maps and such.

Host: Does the captain’s absence leave ye pressured to oversee the crew?

Dogban: Of course not! It lets me slack off with the rest a’ them for a change!

*The audience bursts out in laughter, even as a flashin’ sign tells ’em to*

Dogban be one a' the main characters in the upcomin' pirate novel, Jollier Roger!

Dogban be one a’ the main characters in the upcomin’ pirate novel, Jollier Roger!

Host: What would ye say is the most tryin’ task aboard the ship?

Dogban: Let’s see here… The Bottle is a strange ship, let me tell ya. Just abouts when ya think ya have her fig’red out, that’s when she turns the tables on ya.

Host: Turns the tables?

Dogban: Aye! She ain’t very clever, so one touch wave is all it takes to turn the tables over. That’s why mostly we eat with our afts to the planks and out plates gripped firmly in hand.

Host: I see! And bein’ a bit short as ye are, does that avail ye some sort o’ advantage?

*More applause ensues*

Dogban: To be honest, it makes hiding a lot easier. Don’t tell the cap’n, but when it comes right down to it, there’s almost no place I can’t vanish into!

Host: So thar ain’t!

*The audience erupts in laughter*

Host: I didn’t tell ye swabs to laugh! Shut yer mouths and let me think a’ the next question. Ah! One more and we’ll shove ya off from whence ye came. I hear tell that yer good for a song after a little rum. Be this so?

Dogban: ‘Course it be! I’ve been singin’ since before ya were born. Heck, I’ve been singin’ since before I was born! Come to think a’ it, that might be why my mother was so happy the day I were born…

Host: Oh dear.

Dogban: Anyhow, want to hear a song?

Host: Nay, I’m afraid we be all out a’ time for the day. Thank ye for joinin’ us for this Spotlight Saturday, and thanks to all a’ ye lubbers and seafaring marauders out there for a-tunin’ in! Until next time… stay cutlass-y!

*The audience be silent, awkwardly so*

Host: Bah, ye don’t know a joke when ye hear one.