Dogban on Pirate #Torture

“Some people ask me, they says, ‘Dogban… You’re the first mate aboard The Bottle. You sail wiff Cap’n Roberts alls the time. Does he torture folks?’ And the answer I always gives ’em is ‘Aye, aye!’ Though, the cap’n never did things the usual way. He believes torture should be instructive. So, if he catches ya drinkin’, he makes ya drink ’til ya give back more than ya took. He doesn’t like plank walking, though he does sometimes dip offenders in oil. Cold oil. And then there’s squid-slapping, bilge-mopping, and Tenika, she’s the best stinkin’ torture tool he’s got! Get it-?”

– First Mate Dogban
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00IZPYY1S

Spotlight Saturday: Tenika and Estavan Acosta

Ahoy once again, ladies and gents, and welcome to this weeks edition of Spotlight Saturday, where we interview some of the many unique characters (and trust me, they be characters…) from the upcoming pirate humor/adventure novel, JOLLIER ROGER; set to be released in two weeks; March 14th. Excitin’, ain’t it?!

I’m yer host, who ye can call… the host, Hosty, Captain Hoster, or ye don’t need to call me anything. Today, we have a duel/dual interview with two of the most incompatible members of the jollier crew; Tenika, and Estavan Acosta.

*A big ol’ sign says to applaud, and some o’ ye do as the black wench and Spanish pretty boy come on the stage*

Host: So then, welcome to the… whatever this is. Thank ye both for comin’.

Estavan Acosta: I was forced to come…

Host: So ye were! And what about ye? Did they force ye to come as well, missy?

err

Tenika: James told me he’d spend more time with me if I went.

Host: Oh, well ain’t that somethin’. Ye and him are pretty much together now, aren’t ye?

Tenika: That’s right. We’re gettin’ married next month, and we’re gonna have triplets.

Estavan Acosta: I thought he said he would rather swallow a poisonous snake than marry you?

Tenika: Shut yer mouth.

Estavan Acosta: Ouch!

*Audience oooh’s*

Host: Well, anyhow, I’d like to ask ye both a few questions, and we’ll start with the Spaniard. I hear talk that ye tried to kill yer captain a good deal of times.

Estavan Acosta: And each time a miserable failure!

Host: I don’t understand; why do ye stay on his ship if ye hate him so much?

Estavan Acosta: I’m stuck there, you swine! You don’t understand how that ship works.

Tenika: Aye, he’s stuck real good. Magic like. So, James gives ‘im all the dirty work to do.

Host: Aye?

Estavan Acosta: Aye. And I fail to see what is so funny about my suffering.

Tenika and Estavan have a lot more encounters in the upcoming pirate humor/adventure novel, Jollier Roger!

Tenika and Estavan have a lot more encounters in the upcoming pirate humor/adventure novel, Jollier Roger!

Host: Well, says here ye called yerself the Red Demon and tried to take his ship.

Estavan Acosta: That’s what pirates do! What is so wrong-

Host: I mean the nickname; it’s mighty stupid. Ye sort o’ had it comin’, aye?

Tenika: He’s mighty stupid, too, so we think it fit good.

Estavan Acosta: I-

Host: Me next question be to ye, Tenika. These ain’t me own words, just… what’s been told to me, and I know how ye killed yer owner and freed yer family from slavery; wouldn’t want any misunderstandings, aye?

Tenika: What’s the question…

Host: Oh? Well, just says here that ye are the “noisome wench” mentioned in the book’s description. Is it true that ye stink…?

Estavan Acosta: You have a nose! You’re sitting right across from her, and you cannot tell?! She smells like a dog who got dipped in rotten mud.

pigs

Tenika: At least I don’t smell like a fruit came and died on me!

Estavan Acosta: Now you insult my rare cologne!

Tenika: No, just the bilge water ye splash on every day…

Host: Well uh, I still have a few questions here if’n ye two don’t mind uh, savin’ yer brawl for after the show. Aye?

*Both sit back down with arms crossed*

Host: All right, these come from our fans. First of all, ship life can be mighty boring at times. What are yer hobbies?

Estavan Acosta: Trying to stab James in the back.

Tenika: Watching him get punished for tryin’ to stab James in the back.

Host: Errr, okay. And finally, what jobs do ye two like doin’ the most together?

Tenika: Whatever lets me push the work on him.

Estavan Acosta: Whatever keeps me farthest from her. There is nothing below that woman, Hosty; not even breaking wind to prove some point.

Tenika: Ye are gonna be below my foot in a minute.

Estavan Acosta: Ah! Call security!

*The crowd gasps as the Spaniard is knocked to the ground and choked*

Host: Security…? In a pirate cove? Now that is rich. Well I’m not sure we learned much a’ anything here today, but then again we never do. Hope ye enjoyed this up close encounter, and remember; MARK yer CALENDARS for March 14th and make sure ye get yer copy a’ Jollier Roger- Whoa!

*The host is toppled as the two dart past him, and the audience applauds*

Host: Don’t laugh, ye bilge-suckin’ tadpoles! Help me up! Arghhh…